1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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