K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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