apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
