We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
