I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dick very happy bro
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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