So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
