Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
