I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
