Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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