I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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