Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
