In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
