Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
