I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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