i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
