Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Someone came in the potted fern
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
