Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this beer tastes like vomit already
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
