i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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