There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
