I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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