I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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