I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
