He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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