Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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