my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
