I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to calm my uterus...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
