So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
