I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
