I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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