The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
