I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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