Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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