Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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