...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
