the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
