When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
