i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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