i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
