He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
