it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
