My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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