i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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