The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
