I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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