was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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