what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
