I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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