no, he came in my armpit
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
