i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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