So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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