First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
