I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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